Singularity - Living in fear [English Version]

December 2019, Kyoto

I hear something shattering

It suddenly wakes me up

I hear strange sounds

I try covering my ears, but I can't fall back asleep

2 years old, Riedlingen

Fear. Most of my life was ruled over by this feeling. If this was the movie Inside Out, and you could look into my mind, you might see how fear dictates most of what is going on in my head. Sometimes in the past I was able to see that. Sometimes I just knew that something was "off". I didn't feel good. I did not know what caused this feeling of nausea. I just knew that something was not right. During my time at school, I was sick on a regular basis. Not because of the flu or some other illness. But I had stomachaches and headaches that were psychosomatic. I was a pretty healthy child. I was just really afraid.

I was afraid to be left alone. Afraid to be not loved. Afraid to make mistakes. Afraid they would turn their backs on me. Afraid to mess up. Afraid people would not accept me anymore.

I noticed this fear, but I never quite understood why I felt this way. I grew up in a family that most would not recognize as a broken household. My parents always tell me that they love me, and that nothing will change that. They never treated me or my sister unfairly. Why then was I still afraid?

My throat keeps hurting

I try to wrap it

But I have no voice

Again today, I hear that sound

Oftentimes it is not only important what is being said, but also the things unsaid. There are non-verbal messages we receive and pass on without anyone ever saying them out loud. And it's not true that only Japanese people use this language of silence. Even in Germany (and I'm sure America is the same) we use omission as a stylistic device, and unwritten rules exist. We learn these rules in our social networks, our family, our neighbourhoods, and in school. As kids, we find out really quickly what we have to do and avoid to receive love. We also learn what people expect from us, and which roles they want us to fill. Sometimes the role that we are expected to fill is one that we truly can't manage.

That sound is ringing again

Another crack forms on this frozen lake

I left myself behind on that lake

My voice was buried for you

5 years old, Thailand

As children we are not responsible for our parents. We should not be. If a child feels that she has to take responsibility for one or both parents, things get out of balance quickly. If a child feels like she always has to show consideration for her parents, but is not seen with her own troubles, she won't be able to develop a healthy relationship with her own feelings. She will instead learn that her feelings are not important right now, that her parents need her attention right now. She will learn to distance herself from her feelings as they are perceived as a nuisance. 

Things we don't practice, we don't learn. In fact, we lose what we don't actively practice. If we don't value emotional health/awareness in children as of great importance, that emotions are to be cared for, seen, and taken seriously, when they grow up, naturally they will believe that their feelings will not be worthy to be seen, cared for, and/or taken seriously. They won't talk about it. But the longer they’re silent the harder it is to speak out. The longer we try not to feel, we grow numb to emotions, and it will get harder to feel at all.

Above the winter lake where I'm left alone

There's a thick sheet of ice

Even in my momentary dreams

The illusions that torture me are still the same

One unwritten rule in my family was: We are not angry. We forgive. At least that was what I felt. I also learned this to be true: He who shows his anger has lost. But this ideal image is far from reality. Anger is a defense strategy of when our other feelings are looked over. When sadness is not comforted. When joy is not celebrated. When fear is not taken seriously. When our needs are not met, anger arises. Maybe some boys are allowed to get angry, but a good girl doesn't.  I learned that you are less likely to get targeted if you're just silent.

My driving school experience is a "great" example and a metaphor of how I lived my life. 

My teacher was a man who clearly had an anger problem, and there was not a single driving lesson where I didn't cry at some point. When I would make a mistake, he would tell me to stop, and then let off his anger for 5 minutes before he would tell me to continue driving. At first I tried to explain myself, but after a while I realized that the only way of surviving his tirade of anger was to just keep silent. And this became my strategy of surviving most conflicts in my life. To just keep silent and bow down to whatever tried to belittle me. 

But most of the time I wouldn't even risk the danger of getting into this kind of situation. As a child, I would instead give up whenever I felt that I might trouble people with my mistakes. I would only practice the violin whenever no one was at home or just leave it. I stopped doing ballet and horse riding because I was afraid of my teachers ,and they even made fun of me. I stopped soccer training because I was too afraid of being a burden to my teammates. I don't think the training or my motivation where the real problem, though I used them as my excuses. My problem was my fear to fail and to be rejected by my peers. My problem was that instead of thinking about what I wanted, I always thought about what others wanted and saw my mistakes as proof that I was not worthy of being part of that. I didn't want to be a hindrance. I wanted to prevent that at any cost, that others would not have to deal with my mistakes and have bad thoughts about me.

Did I lose myself?

Or did I gain you?

I started to run to the lake

Inside, I saw my face

Dependance is a behavioural pattern, a structure that one faces over and over again. People are trapped in this dependance and they suffer from it. [...] Too many people just give in and accept this dependant life, almost for good. [...] But there is nothing worse than a life that is wasted...

Dependance. (The German word "Abhängigkeit" can be translated both to "dependance" and "addiction".) Dependant on peoples’ opinions -- and to be exact: on their love. As a child I learned that I can earn people's favor by being attentive, loving, serving, open ,and silent. Those attributes are not bad in themselves, but they should not be the currency with which I try to buy people's acceptance and love. I was fine as long as I felt like I could pay with this currency. I was fine as long as I saw that everyone around me was fine. As long as I was given something that I could do, and with which I could excuse my existence, I was happy. But every human being sometimes goes emotionally bankrupt. We can't always be nice and kind and attentive. We can't always give. But whenever I noticed that I failed to meet my expectations, whenever I saw that I hurt people with my behaviour, this old fear flamed up inside of me. What if they notice that I am not as good as they think I am? What if they find out that I too have bad thoughts? That I am angry? That I am hurt? They wouldn't be able to handle that. Then they wouldn't want to deal with me any longer.

14 years old, Niederhöchststadt

Puberty is a minefield with this mindset. I was terrified of the thought that my parents might think of me as a problem child or as a burden. Whenever I hear stories about someone’s adolescence being described as quiet, alarms are going off in my head. Because puberty is not a time which is quiet. What happens in puberty is as far from peace and order as a game between [please insert favourite rivaling sports team's names]. No. As a young person, it is hard enough to deal with all these questions and hormones and changes. It is impossible to stay calm throughout this process. It is impossible to not make mistakes. It is impossible to stay collected and rational when your entire world seems to turn upside down.

What we need to hear during this time is not: "Stop crying", "Be quiet", "Don't make a fuss", "Stop banging the doors". What we need to hear is: "I know there is a storm going on inside you. And I want you to know, no matter where this is going, nothing will change my love for you." If we are not allowed to go through this storm (and as I said: it's not necessary to be said out loud), if we forbid ourselves to go through this storm, we won't be able to be independent. We won't be able to distance ourselves from our parents and their expectations towards us. But what happens is that we carry this pattern of dependance into every other relationship we have in the future. Be it with our friends or future partners.

Please, don't say anything

I hold out my hand to cover that mouth

If we put ourselves into the shoes [of the dependant personality], we see a deep sense of hopelessness. [...] Whatever she does, it won't be enough. She always feels that she is not enough. Other people seem so far away, whenever she doesn't know what they expect from her. She can't escape from the fears. Whenever a problem has been resolved a new problem arises which is similar in its structure. The old fears start to resurface. 

16 years old

The fears that I face as an adult might look different from the outside, but deep down they are still the same fears that I had when I was a child. I came to the realization during the past months. Afraid of the future. What am I supposed to do? How could I take responsibility? How am I supposed to properly do my work? Independence seems impossible. I was afraid of my parttime-job. How can I live up to my boss's expectations? How can I prevent the other workers seeing me as a burden? How can I live up to the expectations and wishes of the guests who want to enjoy their evening? Afraid of my host family and their expectations that I don't understand. Even afraid of my friends in church. That they don't really want to spend time with me. That they are only nice to me because they somehow feel responsible for me. But in reality that I'm actually just hindering them from having a good time because they have to translate for me.

I live my life. I leave my house in the morning. I go to work and I go to school. I go to church on sundays. But in my heart I was alone, and everyday I was afraid. Thinking about the future after this year made me panic. I was afraid because I couldn't believe that God would be able to use me in any way.

But in the end spring will come

Someday the ice will melt away

"Thank you Mirja. We are also thankful that you are with us. You really gave us a lot. Not only because you made pudding today." S. laughs and I can't move for a second. I was just about to stand up, but I stop in the middle of my movement. My brain needs a few seconds to process what I just heard. I didn't expect this. What exactly have I done that would make him say these words? I have done nothing to deserve this. And suddenly I realize what I'm thinking right now. - 25th December 2019, Kyoto

On the 25th of December I met up with a few friends from church for a little Christmas party. It was nothing big. Just a few friends, sitting together, eating, talking and celebrating Jesus's birthday. It was special. Not only because it was Christmas, not only because I was able to bring sweets and pudding from Germany,  it was special because on that evening I could hear stories from their lives that deeply affected me. Stories of broken dreams, lives, families, and a God that touched these lives, healed and loved them back into life. Stories of fear, sickness and hopelessness, but also how this turned into hope. Not because of lightning and thunder striking down from heaven, but because they experienced love that fell into hurting hearts and gave strength and courage. 

At the end of this night, I heard these words that I couldn't believe at first. But then they made the ice within me crack. 

18 years old, Inazawa

"Mirja, do you believe that Jesus loves you?" My mentor looks at me with questioning eyes. We just came back from our meeting with the other missionaries, and she obviously noticed that something is wrong with me. Why does she ask me this question? "Yes of course!" I don't look at her. Instead I look at my hands and smile. But she doesn't smile. She just keeps looking at me. "Really?" I start kneading my hands and bite my teeth, but the smile doesn't work with me now. Man, what is that lump doing in my throat? And when the tears rise in my eyes, the thoughts rise in my mind, and for the first time the thought that I always tried to push away takes over: No. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. How could he love me? I don't love myself. And when the tears take over she keeps holding me. "Mirja, Jesus loves you." - October 2014, Inazawa

Tell me, if my voice is fake

Should I have not thrown myself away?

Tell me, if this pain is fake

Then what must I do?

I don't know how you feel, after reading this text. Maybe you feel the same way I felt when I first realised what this meant for my life. I was pretty devastated. I failed with my attempts to meet all expectations. I tried to make things right towards everyone. Towards my family. Towards my friends. Towards my studies. I knew from the beginning that I would fail towards God. 

My whole life I was constantly questioning myself and everyone around me. Am I right here? Do they want me? Are they happy with me? Am I allowed to be here? If yes, how much longer can they cope with me?

But asking those questions didn't make me happy. It put me into constant fear. The ongoing questions didn't help my friendships to deepen. Quite the opposite. It made me dig a ditch. A valley of mistrust because I didn't trust you. Because I didn't believe you would accept me, if I was just there. A wall of silence because I didn't think you would be able to cope with my feelings and my thoughts. I chose to build that wall around me instead of speaking my mind. Maybe you never felt that wall. Maybe you never saw the ditch. Maybe you did. For me they always were my reality.

And I understood that this valley, this wall would not go away if I kept giving into fear and kept questioning. I understood that my fear would only get bigger. And I looked into my future and decided that I didn't want to live life like that any longer.

21 years old, Busan

To get out of that dependance and those feelings of inferiority, it is necessary to get rid of all the thought barriers, and to be allowed to look at things the way they are. It is important to see the emotional mistreatment as the cause of this bondage. [...] Now it is important to write your life script with your own hands and to take over the direction of your life. [...]

Only if you have decided to turn your life around will those chains of the past be broken. It is possible that you won't accept that people can do whatever they like with you anymore. It is possible that you will learn how to speak about your needs. It is possible that you see that it is not right to give in to other peoples’ selfish needs. [...] It is possible that you learn how to fight in a constructive way. It is possible that you won't give in just to keep up the harmony. It is possible that people won't recognize you because you don't have to please everyone any longer. It is possible that you won’t avoid conflict, but instead see them as an opportunity to grow. It is possible that your social skills will flourish, it is possible that you develop a vision of your life, according to your own wishes. 

21 years old, Kibogaoka

Fears don't suddenly disappear. While I'm writing this text fear is creeping up on me. The old lies resurface. I know that I will face them in the future as well. I will come into situations that will trigger my old behavioural patterns, and thoughts. I know that I will come into situations where I will disappoint people, and where I will have to choose between keeping silent or speaking out. Choosing between trying to please everyone, or knowing that I am just as precious as everyone else. Choosing to feel and then to take responsibility. But it is possible. It can be done. And I have chosen my path. I have seen the light and the land behind this mountain. I have felt and I have seen how freedom feels like. And I want more. I don't want to be trapped in fear any longer, and now that I know that there is a way out, I don't want to wear these chains anymore. I have heard the call. I heard Jesus say "Yes" to me. And with everything I have I want to throw myself into his love. This love that loved me before I took a single breath. This love that stays with me through the storm. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but my worth lies in the hands of my creator.

Imagine yourself becoming independent. Imagine that you want to change something.

Let's take one step after the other. Let us step into freedom.

23 years old, Kyoto

 Lyrics: Singularity, BTS, 2018.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8npDG2ulKQ

Quote: Wege aus der Abhängigkeit. Belastende Beziehungen überwinden, Heinz-Peter Röhr, 2015. 
https://www.amazon.de/Wege-aus-Abh%C3%A4ngigkeit-Belastende-Beziehungen/dp/3843606404

P.S. If what I wrote about also affects you please don't stay alone with it. I would recommend looking for a therapist and most importantly: Stay true to yourself. You are wonderfully made and loved by God who made you. You are worthy and precious so don't put yourself down but instead become honest with your thoughts and feelings. Freedom is waiting. :)

 Special thanks to Tim for spellchecking!